dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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