I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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