i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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