I cannot find my penis.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
