i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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