I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
