you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
