boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
