I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
