If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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