hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
