oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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