piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
