You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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