I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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