I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
