I wannas sexs uuuuu
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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