I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
and you fell through a lawn chair
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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