My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
