now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Four minutes until I can fart!
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
