wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
