if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Randomize
