I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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