i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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