evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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