So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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