she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
