my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
