I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize