he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
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