I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Someone came in the potted fern
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
