Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
