Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
