you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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