4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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