dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
