I love black thongs
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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