My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
