nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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