Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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