No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize