Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
