i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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