Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize