Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
