Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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