I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize