When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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