At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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