id be glad to
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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