Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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