She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
