nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
