the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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