omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
