You made me cry and you don't even care
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
