You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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