guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
