You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
