So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
