2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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