my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize