I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
