I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
