i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
