FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
