I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You made out with two different species that night
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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