I heard we made out
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
